U.S.S. Terrell County LST 1157
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Just for Fun!
Can you still remember what this all meant?
All of a sudden the dicksmith started hard-assing one of the deck apes for lifting his pogey bait. The pecker-checker was a sewer pipe sailor and the deckape was a gator. Maybe being blackshoes on a bird farm surrounded by a gaggle of cans didn't set right with either of those gobs.
The deck ape ran through the nearest hatch and dogged it tight because he knew the penis machinist was going to lay below, catch him between decks and punch him in the snot locker. He'd probably wind up on the binnacle list but Doc would find a way to gundeck the paper or give it the deep six to keep himself above board.
We heard the skivvywaver announce over the bitch box that the breadburners had creamed foreskins on toast and SOS ready on the mess decks so we cut and run to avoid the clusterf_ck when the twidgets and cannon cockers knew chow was on.
We were balls to the wall for the barn and everyone was preparing to hit the beach as soon as we doubled-up and threw the brow over. I had a ditty bag full of fufu juice that I was gonna spread on thick for the bar hogs with those sweet bosnias. Sure beats the hell out of brown bagging. Might even hit the acey-duecy club and try to hook up with a westpac widow. They were always leaving snail trails on the dance floor on amateur night.
How to simulate being a sailor
#2 Repace the closet door with a curtain.
#3 Six hours after you go to sleep, have your spouse whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble. "Sorry wrong rack".
#4 Renovate your bathroom. Remove the door, build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.
#5 When you take a shower, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
#6 Everytime there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
#7 Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and "set it on high".
#8 Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
#9 (Mandatory for ex-engineering types): Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day for a proper noise level.
#10 Have a paperboy give you a hair cut.
#11 Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the the soot across and on to your neighbors house. Laugh when he curses you.
#12 Buy a trash compactor and only use once per week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bath tub.
#13 Wake every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread or a bowl of onion soup
#14 Make up your family menue a week ahead of time with out looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. #15 Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
#16 Once a month take every major appliance completely apart, then put them back together.
#17 Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
#18 Invite at least 85 people that you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
#19 Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
#20 Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
#21 Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
#22 When making cakes, prop one side of one pan while the other is baking, then spred icing really thick on the lower side to level the top.
#23 Every so often throw your cat in to the swimming pool shout, "man over board, ship recovery"!, then run in to the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the counter on to the floor. Then yell at your spouse for not having the place "stowed for sea".
#24 Put on the head phones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there three or four hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the head phone cord and stow it away.
#25 Take a chipping hammer, go out to your car, chip off all the paint and "just because", repaint the entire car.
#26 Take a fifty-five gallon drum and remove the top ad the bottom, mount it on the rear deck of your home so you can have your own garbage chute.